In November 2012, I was sitting in a pew at church when I opened the bulletin and read “Kindergarten Roundup at Tualatin Valley Academy” with January 2013 dates listed. I shut the bulletin. My mind raced, my heart raced. I opened the bulletin again – sure enough the announcement was exactly as I had just read it. I closed the bulletin again.
My son belongs to God. I know that and I remind myself of that frequently. But nearly since the day the child was born, I have struggled intensely to yield my motherhood desires to God. I discovered it is one thing to intellectually believe my child belongs to God and entirely another matter to emotionally and physically walk daily in faith that God’s plan for my child in perfect when it is completely different than my plan.
Silently I began to rail at God – I’m not ready for this, I’ve not had the time I wanted with my baby, surely I do not have to come to terms with his schooling right now?! And the answer came back: Yes – you DO have to confront this issue AND now.
Timothy is a mid-year birthday. My birthday is in August and was always right before school started. I am familiar with lots of research regarding the education of boys specifically – and a mid-year birthday was like throwing all I knew into a Vita-Mix and hitting the power button. Then there was the issue of Timothy’s father and his desires for Timothy.
In one tentative conversation with my spouse – I realized I had 3-4 options under consideration while the Lord had led James to only 1 option. Now, the Lord has led us to understand that He desires unity in our marriage and so, while the conversation wasn’t problematic, it did serve to put us both on notice that a God-led decision would be one of unity and we would both need to engage in serious prayer before the answer would emerge to both of us.
Because my trust is so at the beginning of the learning curve, this also added to my anxiety.
We both prayed daily about this.
January came. We sat in the parking lot of TVA on the morning of Kindergarten Roundup. I spoke to James these words – calmly, but to ensure he understood fully where I was at on the decision-making journey: “Just so you know, my child is never going to this school.” My statement had nothing to do with the school, the staff or anything other than MY heart. James was unfazed by this pronouncement and suggested we pray before going into the school – and we did with honest hearts.
The Lord has taught me so much through this experience about His grace, His mercy, His tenderness and how He uses His people to work for Him – EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT AWARE HE IS DOING IT!
I see so clearly now, I had laid down a challenge by issuing my statement out loud to the universe which is engaged in a great controversy for hearts. Having done this, Jesus – consistent with the loving Parent He is – immediately stepped in to perform heart-surgery that I might begin healing as quickly as possible and suffer no longer in the grip of the evil one.
In fact, as I have reviewed the events in my mind, I can so clearly see Jesus’ face as the One speaking to me, as the One giving me patient assurance, calmness, painting a picture in confident strokes. But before this could happen, Jesus had to do some open heart surgery. It happened like this:
As we entered the school, and waited with the others to get checked in, a woman spoke to me. She is beautiful, gorgeous in fact. She is calm, she is settled – even when she gets excited. But this day, in a happenstance encounter, Jesus shone through her as she looked at me and uttered 6 words: Will YOUR child be going here? I was stunned! I had just declared in the car my child would never attend this school! You should have seen her face.
Now, of course, I realize it was the face of Jesus – mirroring back to me the anxiety of my own heart - my need of encouragement, my need of reassurance, my need of solace and comfort. But in the moment, I felt it like HER need for encouragement, for reassurance, for solace and comfort. It stirred me deeply.
The Bible says the heart is deceitful ABOVE ALL THINGS! In an instant - I saw my heart. It was grotesque – swollen with puss, pride. My brain pounded with the awful words: This school is good enough for your child, but NOT for MINE! The horror as I realized my wretched condition! Ever so gently, she repeated her question with utmost softness. Would there be no relief? Was there nowhere I could hide?
Ohhhh – the scalpel of Jesus is a 2-edged sword wielded in the hands of the most loving and gentle Creator of all hearts. I blurted out the words “Yes, he is.” And hoped the conflict in my heart and mind were not visible to her. I knew in that minute I would not lie – my child would go to TVA. When you are face to face with Jesus - you cannot lie. But because my heart surgery was so fresh, I was not spiritually ready to end the struggle. The struggle is to accept what God is up to even when I don’t understand it. Jacob struggled overnight with God. I struggled for 8 months! Our God is PATIENT!
The day continued, a lovely time. Graciously my Surgeon arranged encounters with 4 women from my church who ministered to me that day in specific ways I am sure they are unaware of. These women said things like this:
The Bible says the heart is deceitful ABOVE ALL THINGS! In an instant - I saw my heart. It was grotesque – swollen with puss, pride. My brain pounded with the awful words: This school is good enough for your child, but NOT for MINE! The horror as I realized my wretched condition! Ever so gently, she repeated her question with utmost softness. Would there be no relief? Was there nowhere I could hide?
Ohhhh – the scalpel of Jesus is a 2-edged sword wielded in the hands of the most loving and gentle Creator of all hearts. I blurted out the words “Yes, he is.” And hoped the conflict in my heart and mind were not visible to her. I knew in that minute I would not lie – my child would go to TVA. When you are face to face with Jesus - you cannot lie. But because my heart surgery was so fresh, I was not spiritually ready to end the struggle. The struggle is to accept what God is up to even when I don’t understand it. Jacob struggled overnight with God. I struggled for 8 months! Our God is PATIENT!
The day continued, a lovely time. Graciously my Surgeon arranged encounters with 4 women from my church who ministered to me that day in specific ways I am sure they are unaware of. These women said things like this:
"Hi! Is your boy ready to register?"
"Hi! We LOVE this school! You're thinking of sending Timothy here? You will LOVE it!"
"Oh - hello. Ms. Chadwick is just the best teacher. All my children loved having her."
"Hi! Here are your forms to fill out."
Spoken through the Holy Spirit, they were like the Balm of Gilead to my soul. They spoke normalcy, calmness, peace and confidence to my healing heart. And now I know why. Because – having done heart surgery, Jesus wasted no time in beginning the healing process. Such a kind and compassionate Friend!
Daily - prayer on this subject continued. Daily - I investigated all other options. My husband was engaged in my research, he listened actively to my concerns. He was steadfast in what the Lord had revealed to him, but he was also ‘wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove’ in our discussions so as not to engage me in conflict on any points.
The time came to pre-register in June. We discovered we still had no unity. But James wisely pointed out that there was no harm in registering – we could always step away. And so we moved forward with the registration.
One Sunday morning early in August, Timothy and I were in a hotel stairwell flooded with warm mountain sunlight. We were very relaxed and slowly passing through a landing beautifully decorated, and I plopped onto some couch cushions while he investigated something of interest. My mind was relaxed. Blank really. At that moment, Timothy began doing something, something small really but developmental, it was the thing my heart needed to see. Peace flooded my soul as the sunlight poured through the window. The Son of Righteousness had arisen with healing in His wings and glory filled my soul. I was perfectly at peace with my child attending Tualatin Valley Academy because it was where Jesus wanted him to be. I didn’t understand fully, but I fully was at peace with obeying. Oh the joy in happy obedience!
The very first week of school, Satan aimed his fiery darts right at us as our son began school. But for me – knowing I was in obedience to what Jesus wanted made all the difference. I was troubled, but not cast down. I could clearly see that sending our child to a Seventh-day Adventist school was an act of war in the Great Controversy and that God would honor that. It gave me peace!
Daily - prayer on this subject continued. Daily - I investigated all other options. My husband was engaged in my research, he listened actively to my concerns. He was steadfast in what the Lord had revealed to him, but he was also ‘wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove’ in our discussions so as not to engage me in conflict on any points.
The time came to pre-register in June. We discovered we still had no unity. But James wisely pointed out that there was no harm in registering – we could always step away. And so we moved forward with the registration.
One Sunday morning early in August, Timothy and I were in a hotel stairwell flooded with warm mountain sunlight. We were very relaxed and slowly passing through a landing beautifully decorated, and I plopped onto some couch cushions while he investigated something of interest. My mind was relaxed. Blank really. At that moment, Timothy began doing something, something small really but developmental, it was the thing my heart needed to see. Peace flooded my soul as the sunlight poured through the window. The Son of Righteousness had arisen with healing in His wings and glory filled my soul. I was perfectly at peace with my child attending Tualatin Valley Academy because it was where Jesus wanted him to be. I didn’t understand fully, but I fully was at peace with obeying. Oh the joy in happy obedience!
The very first week of school, Satan aimed his fiery darts right at us as our son began school. But for me – knowing I was in obedience to what Jesus wanted made all the difference. I was troubled, but not cast down. I could clearly see that sending our child to a Seventh-day Adventist school was an act of war in the Great Controversy and that God would honor that. It gave me peace!
This was all Jesus’ design. At this point, James began his struggle. We are all different and our struggles are equally unique. I was able to be the one encouraging and holding onto hope while my husband encountered unexpected difficulties. Soon our testing time was over and if you speak to either of us, we will tell you the same thing: We are SO happy Jesus asked us to send our son to Tualatin Valley Academy. Not because it is perfect. Not because the teachers or the students are perfect. Not for any other reason than this: being in the center of the will of God is the very best place to be! And being there – the kaleidoscope of blessing opens widely and participating in that is just great!
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